One day I attended a course about Court of law. A feeling came up from inside when I thought of things about tedious and complex administrations and procedures. Suddenly I understood what was missing when I had tried to see things behind the kind of situation when people criticize me about something with my work. I have already known that everything they do to me is what they do to themselves, and I understand well that I can always take responsibility for everything I do, however, I still feel not very comfortable for those criticisms. I knew there must be something missing. And what occurred to me at that moment is it.
It’s the long-term self-abdication and self-aloofness when I was doing anything that I thought was not doing for myself. Actually, anything that needs approval and that’s not for helping people directly, I regarded it as not doing for myself. However, I still do those things for some reason, within that doing, I was not there, I was cold and numb and hope those painful times can past faster, and because of such doing, I didn’t trust my work and have to check it again and again like OCD behavior. And when it was rejected, I felt so bad and angry and depressed. So I avoided things like that in my life. However, I had lived the separated mind for years.
I know the history when these things happened in the very beginning. That was the experience with family, I seldom get accepted for most things I have done, and they are mostly from my grandma. However, I dealt with all points with my grandma already to the degree there is nothing between us but taking care of each other. But the pain is still there when people said something negative about my job related with some boring works.
There is a trauma connect to my grandma, which is when someone I trust as an authority deny my extra efforts, the hurt would be several times stronger and I would project the one is a unbelievable killer and I as a victim, and even this I deconstructed for myself and worked.
And I also found the very original point that has something to do with. It’s the positive and negative polarity beliefs and feelings inside my mind and the script which I created that I was not a good skilled person for this kind of work. Then I actually was expecting the reproach from others and the emotions follow it.
This time I see even more clearly than before that it’s the process and every moment when I was doing those paper works. I carry the mind beliefs and traumatized memories and script to separate myself when I was doing it and I became a cold and detached person within the behaviors almost every time. This makes the work even harder and this of course manifested in my world as that I was always not an efficient person.
All these I have done to myself is the source of the pain, the guilty has nothing to do with the work that whether I took the responsibility to get it done, it’s only me that I didn’t take my responsibility to live a life. It’s no use to correct the work or do it better! All is about the self-desolation and self-aloofness for all these time.
What a discovery and I am going to walk the point breath by breath until it’s gone.