A Journey Back to Self as Life : equal life

2016年8月20日星期六

Day 609—How I use my hot flash to support myself 2

My observations

Then I gradually found sometimes this depression burst becoming the very first part of my hot flash, well perhaps it’s always is but I didn’t notice that because in the beginning the hot flash was not so matured and strong enough. Then I wanted to just stop it like those successful situations but found I actually cannot stop it and had to wait until the whole body heat walked its own period. Since I had walked my process and become more aware of my body, I decided to observe it closer and took notes about the occurrences.

I started to note down every occurrence of the hot flash, includes the time, the environment, the duration, and the intensity, and it’s about a dozen times a day and a couple of times at night and it would wake me up now and then, and it sometimes strong and long but sometimes weak and short, however, I didn’t found the connection with the environment except the hot temperature but had this feeling that it might has something to do with what I am thinking, but for me those things happened in my head are the memories of old things, new ones, plans, coming and going one after one as usual, which are things so familiar to me within which I didn’t clearly see emotions that caught my attention, therefore are there really a clear connections between them and the hot flash? how can I see the connections?

During that time another thing happened to my body which is my old stomach ulcer problem backing again, and it is the feeling that my stomach would feel a big chunk of something there stuffed in the middle of my body and suffered more during digesting process and all I know is that it has something to do with a period time of hard working during which I maintained a certain level of anxiety.

Thus I found there are at least 3 different kinds of initial points to start a hot flash at that stage:

1. A burst of strong depression feeling occurred in the middle of my head region within which I can sense a heated rusty choking smell thing gush in from behind my nose and eyes area and then into the whole head, neck and upper buddy area

2. A burst of strong heat and painful feeling emerge from the middle of my stomach area and slowly up to the upper body area

3. The plain heat feeling slowly sneaky out of somewhere of my body and then eventually cover my upper and other area of my body

And within these observations I found the hot flash/hormone seemed to has its own live and will and would exaggerate and centralize my emotion and body problem I already have within me for a long time and that had manifested within the interaction of events and my mind system during that stage, and also they would had something do to with the hormone state.

I then talked about this situation with my buddy who supports me in my DIP process, she suggested me to find the mind source of my hormone through kinesiology within which we can use the professional’s muscle testing to know about things in the physical level which myself cannot access yet. At this moment I realize this is exactly where I can find the answers, so I scheduled a session right away.

To be continue……

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2016年8月18日星期四

Day 608—How I use my hot flash to support myself

Here I would like to share my observation and work with the hot flash experience of my body to provide some context for people who have the similar situation and also during this process to support myself .

I was having hormone problems since many years ago and which caused quite some body conditions need to be taken care of. Until the summer 5 years ago, the hot flash started coming, during that stage I already had an early menopause caused by uterus surgery for a couple of years, and from medical knowledge I know this hot flash caused by hormone imbalance belongs to one of the menopause syndromes which makes autonomic nervous system become dysfunction. And there is another obvious event during that time in my life was that I was dealing with a serious relationship conflict, within which I had strong emotional waves up and down for quite some time already.

The hot flash was quite strong since the beginning and about a dozen times a day, it’s the feeling of body heating up within me and my head and neck would become red and my upper body would sweat and then the whole body is just soaking in the unbearable heat. Since I am already joining the course of DIP to start the process of directing myself in life, I found there are always some emotional reactions following every occurrence of hot flash, thus what I know about it is to just stop the reactions and see the hot flash as it is, and found in this way I can still get along with it.

I decided not to see the doctor because I am sure what they would do is the treatment of hormone medicine, and I have heard long time ago that it may cause cancer and I don’t want the risk so I just live with the uncomfortable. After that summer it stopped and for a couple of years it just happened for a couple of months every year and mostly in summer.

Until last 2 years I found it becomes more serious so I decided to actively deal with it since the uncomfortable had affected my everyday life and I probably could find ways to reduce the damage to my body and life to the minimum. So I went to see a doctor and he suggested that since I still got some part of uterus there is a chance to get cancer through using hormone, but since I don’t have family history of cancer, he suggested me to use hormone but will give me some other prescription like every two month to “wash it away”. So I started taking hormone treatment and about after two months the hot flash was alleviated and then stopped, then I stopped taking medicine and tried some natural hormone products suggested by friend for a month then I am free from the hot flash for another several months until it emerged again in this summer.

However, before I would take another round of the hormone medicine, I tried other things instead, that is loyal jelly and small excises every day which I found can reduce the strength and frequency, however only slightly, and I also found other interesting observations about the hot flash patterns.

The first thing is that before this whole new wave of hot flash setting off, I found I would have a kind of intensive and sudden depressive emotion burst within my body which if I can noticed it and stop it right away without following or creating any thoughts, then it would just stopped, which I saw it as a kind of achievement of my process though I was not aware of the connection between the depression bursts and their sources or trigger points, it would be like before I woke up in the morning I usually found I was already playing with some memories in my mind, and suddenly the depression just burst out and then I found it and stopped it.

Here a history about my depression: I am actually quite familiar with the emotion since I was a little kid, in the beginning it was just the uncomfortable feeling slowly emerged within my body and I kind of hearing it said something like “I would like to die”, “it makes no sense in this world” …, it was just an weird and uneasy thing for me at that time, but with all the events and relationships connections happened in my growing process, the depression had just become part of me and I had spent much time in my life wanting to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling, then until recently I found it sometimes become this intensive and sudden formation.