Introduce of Myself

I was a very fearful and anxious and angry emotional child. My parents left me since I was 6 and I was raised by my grandma who is always not in a good temper. Gradually, I became a very suppressed and shy and stubborn child. I put all my expectations on a future prince-on-white-horse to depend on, haha, that man never come! Or I should say they just come and go. I know I created and manifested the whole thing.

I was also a child who can quietly observe things around me. I would get them tested. I observed and tested my grandparents and people and get conclusions and whenever there was new evidence I would correct my conclusions. I did this to religions too. Since my grandpa on my mother’s side is a priest I was brought to church for several years but my grandma on my father’s side who believe in kuan-in was very unhappy about it. Eventually I tested gods on both religion and placed a third god to make wishes and see if wishes would come true and finally found the ultimate answer that gods are just exited in the believer’s believe themselves. After that I do not trust any religion anymore. It seemed I automatically need the truth and never in my life that I trusted anyone else answer.

This confidence and curiosity about human behavior brings me to study psychology. There are several turning/breaking points in my life like when I was 17 I suddenly realized that life is the only thing true on earth. And after that I totally changed as another person, happy and optimistic, until I fell in love, haha. And the most dramatic tuning point was when I passed the exam to the No.1 University in my country and at that time for a student who graduate from an average junior college is very unlikely to achieve that. From that moment my whole big family looked me in a very different way and treated me much “nicer”.

I moved out of my family and depended on myself since I went into college. In college and after graduate school I was a very critical student. I cannot stand people who treat their students and clients in a superficial and authorized ways, and I questioned professors about their theories a lot, they are afraid of me haha, I always act like that till I became a critical counseling psychologist in almost all occasions. However, I at the same time was still a very scary person who was afraid of and tends to avoid the old painful trauma developed since childhood.

I was always in a conflict situation. I know I got to say something which is more real in every discussion, but every time I shot I inevitably hurt myself badly. Plus the relation with my boy friends is always unstable. I took a lot of time to recover myself. And I got several somatoform disorders since I was very young for many years like duodenal ulcer, chronic bronchitis, uterine fibroids and so on.

Thus I finally decide to cut half of my work time. I get my jobs in several colleges and institutions for only part time to take care of my body and the “mind”. During this time I encountered and dealt with the illusions about money, desire, love, loneliness, sex, relationships, old traumas etc. to a certain degree, however, I was getting weak for poverty of blood because of my uterine problem and in the end the doctor had to make the decision for me during the surgery to cut the whole organ off. That was happened 2 and half year ago.

After that I became relatively “healthy” and stable, part of the reason is the group of interpersonal relationship I am leading in a community college for many years, I have tested and learned and changed a lot of myself from there. And I started to read lots of books begin with Osho, Gurgiff, Seth, new ages, spiritual… and finally I found Desteni. After that I decide to translate and build a blog to introduce it into Chinese world.

Desteni is the only group I can trust in this world just for the common sense they are doing things for the best of all life. And it really reveals the absolute answer and solves the relative dilemma for me on my work and provides me the best reason for me to participate in the world again from long period withdrawing from it. However, there are still things and challenges ahead to be face and breakthrough, and I am here ready to breath with them, and with all life equal and one.